The Iffy Enabler – Why our standard is KEY

By - Dr. Jeannetta “Jaybee” Nickelson On Aug 13, 2014

The Iffy Enabler – Why our standard is KEY

So, there is an epidemic happening in the Dating and Relationship world, and I wish I could say it was good. The society we take part in is producing a series of character changes among Men and the Women who “love” them. Men are testing us with more, and Women are setting expectations with less! Being deemed the “Woman’s Woman”, I feel it a responsibility to speak on the issue. So, as any modern woman would,  I chose to address it in the way that most see fit: After a hellatious work week with the ladies ;) …

Friday night had casually snuck upon us and the office, well that was a distant memory...Graced by the presence of Appetizers, Margaritas and Mojitos we began talking about the thing women talk about most: M.E.N. There were vent sessions, announcements, sex secrets (or lack thereof) and the age old stories; Stories about the great loves of our lives, stories about the way Men have this crippling effect on you that at times can make you question all reason. We talked about the pull on the conscience when you know that you are enabling a man and how to overcome it once you have, and by this I mean putting up with the little things we know that we shouldn’t… be it little white lies, lazy habits, no commitment or a lack of motivation. Many were unhappy with the state of their relationships and specifically referenced changes that they saw in their men that hadn’t been there months or even weeks prior. Yet, along with those noted changes, there were noted changes in the Women as well. Many had run short of the energy it takes to require more. Many had simply began to live their relationships in their heads to avoid the issue, and lastly, a couple were close to putting themselves back out on the market but lacked courage. I wondered to myself, “How has this happened?”

From this, I came to realize that there is a powerful gift we have as women that we don’t even realize we possess: The intuition to grasp the problem and the tools from within to change the situation. I like to refer to it as “Pleasure Power”, but with all joking aside there is a mighty pull that we have on the nature of a man. The funny thing about this is, we fail to realize it not only as individuals, but collectively as a gender from time to time. There seem to be more Women that will go to leaps and bounds to put a Band-Aid on the immaturity of a man rather than the calling on his soul, and yet we compare ourselves to the girls that consider this the only way when it is an unhealthy way of thinking in relationships. So, why do we do this? What do our men actually NEED from us when it comes to companionship? Some ladies allow any and everything because they believe that the race is for the swift. We begin to believe that our worth is measured in the size of our waist when in reality, your internal gift gives life to your man’s courage, standard and vision! As the conversation continued, I became acquainted with the fact that we believe as Women that if we put our foot down with our Men and require more of the little things, with their being so much temptation out there that HE won’t stick around for the big things in life: Children, Marriage and growing old together. Quite the contrary….

My Mother told me something that has stuck with me since the day the words escaped from her lips. While sitting in the kitchen and watching her cook, her cell phone began to ring. I rushed to get it and she looked at me and said, “Don’t pick that up, it’s your Dad.” Confused, I laughed and said, “Ok, why not?”  She walked over to me, looked me in the eye and said this, “Little girl, I’ve been married to your Dad for a very long time, and you want to know why he still rushes home to see me? Because to this day, when he calls me sometimes, I STILL am not in a rush to pick up the phone.” I sat there in utter disbelief as she winked at me, took a drink of water and graciously walked away. I thought to myself, “Well I’ll be damned!” She had taught me in 30 seconds to do what we un teach ourselves to do daily: MAKE HIM WAIT. That moment changed my entire outlook on relationships.

If you ask any of the old school Mamas, they will tell you to “Let them chase you.” In this cycle, a Man comes into his own, learning to seek out the things that he wants and to wait patiently for the reward, It’s hard to think this way when many offer discounted courtship and a lack of pursuit. We live in a microwave culture that has also given way to our relationships. It is in this lack of value that relationships are compromised, and even more so, our standard as Women. Fast forward to years down the road and you have someone that doesn’t listen to you, pay attention to you, would rather play video games than to “play” with you and that texts random ladies with a secret account…. It could be the end result of the monster you created years ago. We too can stand to benefit from the relationship trade off. When you have a Man that is willing to go above and beyond to have you, love you and keep you, you set a standard, gain an appreciation for the courtship and also set a good example for your kiddoes! This is not an area to let up on, take it from someone who has done it every way but RIGHT!

The sooner that we connect to the inability to enable, we awaken to the solution. A solution that is always there but serves as the road less traveled. The solution to be strong. The solution to actually BE the solution and no longer the problem.

There is a calling among the ladies happening. It is a mass awakening for us to set aside any and every excuse and to ignite a fire underneath our men. Many of us take pride in the fact that we dress our men, sex our men and occasionally help point them in the right direction when it comes to the difference between winning and indecision, but we as women must come to a higher standard and always be the voice of reason for our guys. At the end of the day, he needs your love and trust, and it begins with what we require.

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