Lessons of a Video Vixen
by: Dr. Boyce Watkins

Question:  What do you get when a woman has sex with a zillion rappers, and then spits every dude’s business out in the street?  Answer: “Confessions of a Video Vixen”, by Karrine Steffans (known more affectionately by her colleagues as “Super Head”….I’m not making that up).  During my visit to Barnes & Noble, I studied the book curiously, wondering if Ms. Steffans was at risk of being sued, stalked or cussed out by the people she has made famous with her book.  I also envisioned all the men getting hit upside the head with skillets by their wives who’ve read the book. “You slept with that nasty hoe?  Pack yo sheeyat.” This woman beats out R. Kelly when it comes to skankalicious scandal.  Lessons can be learned and privates surely got burned, because some of this is just down right yucky. 

Some would think that by being a professor, my mind is better suited for more sophisticated intellectual endeavors than reading about someone’s sexual drama…..Yeah right.  I’m still a man, and I’m still human.  My eyes were stuck to the page like spandex on chubby people, since my life has yet to get as exciting as the people in this book.  I then started to have random thoughts, as I sometimes do.  I first thought about her poor son, who has to live his life watching old VH-1 specials about how he was probably conceived in the middle of a modern-day Sodom and Gomorra.  As a former “little boy” myself, I can clearly say that this is NOT cool!  No little kid wants to be on the playground and have his boy come up and say “I just saw yo mama naked on the Internet…..and she wasn’t wearing no clothes either!”  The first Video Vixen Lesson should go to her son:  Take boxing lessons dawg, you’ll be doing a whole lot of fighting over the next few years.   

I’m not trying to hate, but I’m just sayin… 

The second lesson of the video vixen:  Sex sells, and everybody lines up to buy it like a Walmart Christmas special. 

It appears that Professor Steffans’ business plan goes as follows:  You first sell the sex to the rapper, so you can get your hair and nails “did”.  After that, you sell it to the publishing company for telling them about the sex you had with the rapper.  After that, you sell the sex in the video to BET (otherwise known as “Booties ET-cetera”) and then you sell it through a special on VH-1.  Now, that’s “straight pimpin”; Karrine’s business plan gets an A+ in my class.  Rather than just keeping a stained dress in her closet as Monica Lewinsky did, this girl kept a stained wardrobe, and then put it on in public.

 Lesson #3:  You should probably know and trust the person you “get busy” with, or the real screwing might start later on.

I am not one to condone or condemn people for their sexual choices.  But I WILL dog you if you are flat out stupid.  I figure that if you’re gonna get freaky, at least be smart about it.  For example:  it would seem to lil old me that having sex with someone you don’t know might lead you to have to deal with some straight-up nutcases.   You could end up spending all your money on child support for kids that look like your best friend, or having “what’s her name” accuse you of rape in the morning.  One minute, you’re balling out of control, the next minute, you’re walking out of your job in handcuffs.  As little Reilly on "The Boondocks" would say, "Handcuffs at work are NOT gangsta!"

I even thought about an alternative title for the book, in case Karrine was interested.  One title that came to mind was “Why your favorite rapper probably has a venereal disease.”  Seriously, my cousin who works for the Center for Disease Control could draw a diagram of just how nasty all this is: this person has sex with that person, who just had sex with the other person and the other person’s brother’s baby-daddy, who just got busy with the bus driver, who just had sex with R. Kelly.  It would seem that 13 years after Magic Johnson, we would not have the Kobe Bryants of the world, just doing their thing with whoever will do their thing back.  If you ever have a phone conversation with Kobe, you might want to put a condom on your ear.

 

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